Thought you managed to get rid of me, did you? Well think again! Because we're in a reunion tour that would make Motley Crue sick with envy... if they weren't all slowly dying from some STD or drug reaction. But that's neither here nor there for the moment. Instead, I thought we'd just settle down for a minute.
Frankly... I'm beginning to worry about this country. Alright. Admittedly, I've made that claim on more than one occasion. But this is starting to get ridiculous, people! Look around you. The very infrastructure known as sanity is crumbling faster than a Haitian apartment complex (TOO SOON? Well... my philosophy is deal with it. You can't change anything sitting around moping... so you might as well make light of the situation. Besides... do I actually care if you're upset?). What I mean is look at what our lives have become: a grotesque farce, masquerading as the American Dream. For example... since when did people start caring about eight New Jersey born degenerate scum bags who only take fame for prostituting their stupidity on national TV? Or, when did a yahoo with an IQ that is rivaled by a rocking chair suddenly become a major, beloved political figure? And yes, for the 'hos at home I'm talking about Sarah "THE ANTI-CHRIST" Palin. I mean come on people! It takes about thirteen seconds of staring into those twisted, demented, beady eyes to realize the woman is pure evil.
And what's worse... is she is incredibly dangerous. Why, you may be asking yourself about now. WHY? Give me a break! A vast majority of the jug-whistling WALMART monkeys that constitute Middle America love the woman; they fail to actually listen to the mindless drivel that oozes out of her mouth like a coastal oil spill (which, as a "PROUD" Alaskan... you'd think she'd be against the oil companies. But nope... quite other way around. Jesus...). That does remind me that BP has gone without my ridicule... but that will have to wait for another time. Back to the Bimbo! I truly fear for any potential offspring I have running amok out in the world, because if Sarah Palin becomes the next president of the United States of America... we are all going to die a very public, very disturbing death... the likes of which haunt even a weird mind such as mine! Enough of this for now! Too much caffeine and reading CNN.com is a bad way to start a RANT.
What would a Rampant Rant be without mention of the next impending holiday? Which, of course you know... is jolly ol' Christmas. I simply have to ask... what happened to this holiday? What was once such an austere and sacred day (at least to you Christians out there. For us Hebrews... its just an excuse to stay home and eat Chinese take out) is now nothing more than a sado-masochistic experience set to cheerful jingles. I was walking in Best Buy last weekend and it was like a drunken orgy of violence while bumbling house wives nearly bludgeoned each other to death with their hand bags all in the name of a video game. Good Grief! Is it really worth it? Entering a mall (an already precariously disastrous event) during this time of year is the closest one can come to SPIRITUAL RAPE! But by far... the very worst part of the holiday season is the change in peoples' behavior. For eleven months of the year, we are all cynical, conniving, suspicious, bitter husks... mere remnants of human beings. And yet when December rolls around, people resort to this mutated state of demented, forced happiness. It's like watching a pack of hyenas that got into a batch of blotter acid: nothing good can come from such bedlam. If I have to read one more goddamn Christmas card, riddled with banal platitudes... I'm going to fall deeper into the pit of insanity!
Whew... it's always good to get things out! Wusa and all that jazz; bottling up such a torrent of annoyance causes ulcers. So during this time of irrational pleasantries... remember the seedier side of Christmas: the side where Santa Claus is actually a crack-slinging sex addict, and Rudolph is going to secret Communist meetings in the back of a Korean BBQ joint. And don't even get me started on the Hanukkah Zombie! That is one can of matzo balls I don't want to get into. Happy Holidays you sick, twisted freaks (for you have to be to get this far into my diatribe)!
-s/j.@
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