Welcome back you crazed, filthy degenerates! It seems like only yesterday I was spewing this jibberish out and maybe five of you would be reading it. To those of you who never did... I know where you all live, goddamn it! And for those of you who actually took the time to read this insanity, I advice you to seek psychiatric therapy for at least a calendar year! Christ!
Apparently, it's been almost a year since the last Rampant post. Who could have guessed it? Perhaps I've spent too much time drinking Nyquil while barricading myself in the bathroom to defend against the communist hordes that compose my apartment complex. But I digress. Think of all that has happened in the last 365 days. Some pretty astounding things, but mostly... events that make me want to raid a dentist's office, strap myself to the nitrous oxide tank, and breathe deep until everything is cartoon characters and a Grateful Dead soundtrack. And not anti-semetic, conglomerate rodent cartoons, either! Good lord, what sort of absurdity is this? I better pay closer attention.
I've been debating with myself, aloud, for the past few hours (much to the dismay of my neighbors) on which topic was the most important event of the last year? I mean, I really do have a list to work with here. Obviously there's Osama bin Laden, the slanderous pervert and abhorrent cur of the millennium, getting gacked by a SEAL team while rubbing one out to Pakistani porn. By the power of Greyskull... I couldn't have ASKED for a better storyline on that one! Now, I've actually heard a few people round here complain in regards to our impromptu "burial" for that pubic-faced fuckstick (for those of you not acquainted with me, you're probably already horribly offended by now. Hell, even if you DO know me... you're probably offended. Truthfully, there are times I find it hard to deal with myself. But you know what... this is MY goddamn block of cyber-territory, so if you don't like it... get bent!). They claim that, despite the atrocities committed by him, it isn't right to disrespect someone's body and last rites. To those people I have only one thing to say to them... after I stop hitting them with a bamboo switch, of course: whatever sinkhole that gangly mass-murderer is decaying in, probably getting chewed the fuck up by all sorts of ugly aquatic critters... it's a lot better than what I would have set up! Personally, I would have liked to disrespect him further by using his lifeless heap in a grotesque marionette display for every 9th grade in America! Now THAT might be extreme... but then again, we could have always used him as a national pinata. So you've got to pick your battles, dammit.
Alright, we're really rolling here. So Osama gettin' diced by Obama (man there is some sweet, sweet comedic poetry in that one. Also considering after 8 years and 2 wars, George "Dubbya" Bush probably came closer to understanding his first Aesop fable than catching bin Laden). But let's not forget about another Middle Eastern jackass who got popped (and in this case... in more ways than one. Hayoo!). That's right. Muammar Gaddafi, the Jheri curl rockin' dictator who closely matched Leatherface's complexion, was killed by, and I quote Doc Brown: "WHO DO YOU THINK? IT'S THE LIBYANS!" Yes, yes... in accordance with the recent wave of internal uprisings and social movements throughout the Arab world, apparently Libyans got tired of being oppressed by a pig-faced tyrant with a penchant for colorful dresses. Can you blame them? Think about how frustrated were people with J. Edgar Hoover, and he was just a drag queen in private! Imagine being subjugated to war crimes and torture at the hands of man in a golden dress: honestly, I'd rather take the indignity of being beaten to death by crowbar wielding drunk, cross-eyed little people wearing the Village People outfits! But, unfortunately for Gaddafi... his death wasn't quite the end. Thanks to the wonders of the internet, it is now possible to watch the corpse of Muammar Gaddafi getting sodomized by a pipe-wielding gang of insurgents. Frankly... I think that speaks for itself! MOVING ON...
In all honesty, as per all of these absurd ramblings, I really had no direction when I started this. But, thinking about it... I think we've hit on something here. 2011 was loaded with some substantial demises... specifically tyrannical, maniacal nutbags! And what better way to end that theme than with the Korean phenom... Mr. Kim Jong-Il. Yes yes... the charter member of the Asian chapter for the James Brown Hair Club for Men has passed on. For a man who had three holes-in-one the very first time he played golf... ol' Kimmy might have missed his true calling. Unofficial dictator of a fictitious "republic" has its benefits for sure, but still... I could have seen that little man and his Elizabeth Taylor sunglasses (recently deceased, but to her we wish her peace) rocking the PGA circuit!
Before we move on from this morbidity crap... there are a few more names to be mentioned to the Reaper's admission list. Steve Jobs: absolute mad scientist who actually had his consciousness digitalized so he can take over Earth's technology... aka: SKYNET! Charles Napier: Strangely enough, the Kentucky actor with a chin proportionate to Mt. Rushmore died on the same day as the maniacal Mr. Jobs. With no disrespect, I'll probably only remember Napier as that hillbilly from The Blues Brothers. Jack Kevorkian: Did someone pull his plug? Too soon? Not soon enough? Whatever. Joe Frazier: Smokin' Joe Frazier, one of boxing's legends, was lost to use this year. Going 32-4-1 in his career, he was an Olympic fighter and once undisputed World Heavyweight champ. Now, if only he was able to hold on to some of his earnings... ehhh, I best not go down that road. Last but not least, Elizabeth Taylor: A starlet of old-school Hollywood, she was an icon of a time lost. But, I have to say... anyone who owns $150 million worth of diamonds needs to be forced to visit Sierra Leone in order to witness the cost of that glamor.
Ooookay, now. I guess that wraps that up. When the hell did I start doin' obituaries? Sweet Zombie Jesus, is that what I've become? Have I sunk to the level of a hunchbacked corpse-junkie lurking around a morgue?!? Hold up... keep cool. Need to stay calm, here. Let's just get into some random thoughts to wrap up. The Occupy Movement: What originally started off as an ambitious social movement to try and invoke cultural change ended up failing, resulting in a community of circle drummers and pseudo-hippies. Maybe if they dropped the goddamn patchouli and worked on a concise message and plan, they would have accomplished something. But alas, never happened. The Arab Spring: unlike their filthy, flea-riddled American cohorts, waves of Middle Easterners have stood up and, through genuine social movement and democratic practice, fought back against their corrupt leadership. The End of the Iraq War: After 8 years, American military forces ceased operations in Iraq. How can I make any snide, sarcastic, or witty remark to that? It was a genuine great moment, and I am happy to welcome back friends that have put their lives on the line fighting for the rest of us. To the men and women of America's military... we thank you for your service.
Well... I suppose that's it. I am well aware that this sort of detritus is like digital crack to you fiends, so I'll try and get back to you soon. Trust me, I never run out of things to complain about for sure. Such as driving in Los Angeles, Hollywood's current obsession with remakes/sequels, and why Russell Brand is a tumor on the soul of humanity. Now how about some cocktails, people? It's bound to be night time somewhere.
-s/j.@
Amazing how simple it can be to communicate with people and have them understand a certain topic, you made my day.
ReplyDeleteDentist in Los Angeles